Robert Karl Skoglund -- Katie Couric

Unedited Rants for June 9, 2006 -- The humble Farmer Radio program
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Barefoot once again in the park, dear friend. Did you see that news clip of Katie Couric interviewing the politician? He looked down at her and mentioned that she wasn’t wearing shoes. She had kicked them off because they were impossible to run in and weren’t fit to walk in and because they crushed her feet into an unnatural position they weren’t even fit to wear while sitting down. Anyway, Katie had run to get this interview that she wanted and she could never have caught her subjects wearing her hideous looking pointy-toed high heeled shoes. I can’t think of an ill-fitting anything that would cause me pain that I am expected to wear in the name of fashion. Please remember that I can slack off my belt. So who says that women can’t wear sneakers to state dinners? Who says that women have to cram ten pounds of foot into a five pound shoe? Is there a law on the books that says they must do it or do women cheerfully inflict this discomfort upon themselves? When women are referred to as the Weaker Sex, is it a commentary on their minds? I’m humble@humblefarmer.com
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Dudley Rockwell just told me that his coffin says on it “Handmade by Occupant.” You can see a picture of Dudley Rockwell on my web page of radio friends. That’s Dudley on my doorstep, standing next to me and the bass he made for me. Dudley Rockwell called me this morning because like most 93 year old men, he is uncomfortable with sending me an email on his computer. And Dudley wanted to tell me that he tried some of that waffle mix I mentioned last week and he said it was quite good. And I said that if he knew of anything better, I’d like to know what it was. Dudley is the Docent down at the Olsen house in Cushing, and you’ll get the web site in my Whine & Snivel newsletter. If you can get to Cushing, Maine this summer, stop in at the Olson House and tell Dudley that you came down to hear what he had to say.

http://archives.cnn.com/2000/STYLE/arts/09/04/wyeth.christina.ap/wyeth.christina.ap/

And if you get that close, stop in to see me. I live in St. George --- on the other side of the river.
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You’ve heard of dentists who could look at fillings and recognize the work of a former professor. And there are literary scholars who can read several chapters in a book and tell you from the style who wrote it. Art. Paintings? They say that some people can look at a painting and just from the brush work tell you who did it. And then there are things that ordinary people --- you and I can do. Did you hear Tony Bennett singing Just the Way you Look Tonight on the goodbye to Katie Couric program? Of course the first thing that comes into your head when you hear it is, Ah, bridge goes up a minor third. Must be Jerome Kern.
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It is becoming more and more difficult to write television commercials that will influence your vote at the polls. This is because these commercials don’t really tell you anything and you are not supposed to know what or who you are voting for. Perhaps it is no longer necessary to know to which party a candidate belongs. But nowadays if a candidate is ashamed to tell you which party he belongs to, can’t you guess? There are two television commercials that I’ve seen perhaps three times each and I still have no idea what they are about. Isn’t it obvious to you that the people who are putting up the cash to influence your vote don’t want you to know what a yes or no vote will mean? What you can be sure of is that they are not going to spend money trying to buy your vote if they didn’t think they’d soon get it all back and more. And they’re going to get it out of your pocket after they’ve bamboozled you into voting against your best interests. You might have heard that some companies are trying to buy legislation that would enable them to control your email and Internet service --- that is, charge you again for it, just as if your telephone and cable bills aren’t high enough already --- and I strongly suspect that one of these ads has to do with that. I know that you understand these things and hope that you will send us an email at humble@humblefarmer.com and tell us what they are not telling us in these television commercials.
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Robert Karl Skoglund Unedited Rant

Even I have heard of the book called, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. We are told that it is a Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, and I are living proof that two people can live together and get everything that we want without waging war. Because women are the weaker sex it is up to the man of the house to create and nurture this peaceful environment. Yesterday, for example, before Marsha came home I went outside and coiled up the water hose and put it on the well curb and coiled up the driveway bell hose and put that on the doorstep. I took out her lawnmower and filled it with gas and had it standing at the ready by the door. And when she came home at four o’clock she didn’t even come in the house for her earplugs. She had a grateful smile on her face and she had that lawnmower going when I went out there and begged her to stop long enough to protect her ears.
Any man willing to follow my example can live in a happy home, free from unkind words and strife. All you have to do is never find fault with anything she does, agree with her no matter what she says, and get used to not being able to do anything right. Why engage in this senseless battle of the sexes when it is so much easier to sign an unconditional surrender?

Robert Karl Skoglund unedited radio rant

While looking through Dateline’s webpage, this is what I read. I quote without permission: “The earliest known ancestors of modern humans might have reproduced with early chimpanzees to create a hybrid species, a new genetic analysis suggests. …Scientists can't say how long the hybridization carried on, but the final speciation occurred around 5.3 million years ago, possibly because the two species' genetic codes were too different to mix, or because the animals were simply physically unappealing to each other.”

Wow. Would this not also indicate that they didn’t have alcohol back then?

The humble Farmer on MPBN Radio

Every morning for weeks you might have seen the same expensive television commercial over and over -- and unless you spent the first 98 percent of your life living in a cave with wolves I’m sure the same thought occurred to you every time you saw that very crafty bit of advertising. When you see private capital pounding you with a commercial that shows happily browsing moose, aerial shots of thousands of acres of unspoiled woods and lakes, and testimonials from a few attractive carefully-chosen well-spoken people about how happy they are with the new development, you can be sure that there are a lot of concerned people out there who know what is really going on and who are not pleased that someone is about to make an obscene amount of money by chopping up pristine forest and selling it off as house lots. May 16, 2006

Robert's reply to Merrymeeting Grange

Dear Robert:

I spoke with the members of Merrymeeting Grange about holding a fundraising event with you as the entertainment and I'm afraid they were not in favor of it. They thought that your 75%/25% of the door was unfair, but would do it for a 50%/50% take. What do you say?

Sue Hackett



Hi Sue,

I say your members are right. It is unfair.

We have 80 acres of farm that we could sell off as house lots and be rich for the rest of whatever is left of our lives but we want to put the farm into a trust so it can never be broken up. I consider myself no more than a steward of this land. It is something I want to pass along to my wife's granddaughter, perhaps a little better and with a bit more acreage than when I bought it from one of mother's third cousins 36 years ago.

I am a 70 year old man who joined grange in 1950, the year my wife was born. She now has Lou Gehrig's disease and goes upstairs on her hands and knees. The doctor in Boston was amazed that she was not in a wheelchair two years ago. St. George Grange #421 had a benefit for her out at the hall two summers ago. We were able to use it because my social security is $393 per month x 12 or $4712 per year and we pay blood sucking health insurance companies more than twice that or over $10,000 a year.

Marsha and I are very happy and spend each day laughing and having as much fun as we can. When we indulge ourselves with an exciting trip to visit friends and relatives, we do it knowing that in 12 months Marsha might not be able to get on a bus. We also do it knowing that it won't hurt her kids because they will be able to pay off any remaining crimes against our estate with our life insurance money.

When I really want to make my wife laugh out loud, I grasp her gently by the arms, gaze lovingly into her eyes, and with a deep and mellifluous voice say, "My dear, please remember that I am the boss in this house."

I say your members are right. It is unfair.

Some people even think that life itself is unfair.

But Marsha and I are enjoying life and laughing and hugging and loving each other every minute of every day and if your members knew how many times we have had sex since yesterday morning, I expect most of them would jump right up in meeting and shout, "It's unfair."

Brother Robert Skoglund, The humble Farmer

Robert Karl Skoglund

Robert Karl Skoglund

Unedited Rant for May 26, 2006 The humble Farmer radio program


If you have friends or relatives in Europe you know that they all do it to you. You can email them in the best German or Spanish that you can muster, and the next day you’ll get an email back in German or Spanish. And on the bottom will be one last sentence where they shifted over to English to say: “If you can’t understand my German, I’ll write in English instead.” Even though our ability to communicate with them in their language breaks the American stereotype, that stereotype is so strong they suspect we must be doing it with mirrors. Have we brought this on ourselves? Have you found that in Europe Americans are not famous for their prowess in the humanities? Noam Chomsky is probably the only person in this country who can still remember which despotic governments and which guerilla groups we were funding as recently as 30 or 40 years ago. Don’t expect to see anything more recent than the American Revolution taught in your local school because it is too often embarrassing and the sooner we forget it, the better. And while in Europe most any kid might learn 4 or 5 languages, the business community in this country pushes for a curriculum where graduates will unthinkingly obey any order and then stand behind a checkout counter in a big box store (for no more than 22 or so hours a week ) and make correct change. But I was talking about the shock Europeans get when they encounter an American able to exchange even a few common phrases in their language. It might remind a European of Samuel Johnson’s comment that “a woman’s preaching is like a dog’s walking on his hind legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.”

Robert Karl Skoglund

Unedited rant for May 26, 2006 The humble Farmer radio show. Hear humble tell stories on his web page. Thank you for readng this and thanks for listening to my radio show.

You might have seen that Morning TV show where people got injections to remove the wrinkles around their eyes. I didn’t know about this procedure although I was aware that old women could have wrinkles removed by surgery. You can usually tell who these women are because after two or three of these operations their skin is stretched out like a silk stocking filled with softballs and you get the impression that they must sleep with their eyes open. It is also no secret that there is a great market for a pill that takes the wrinkles out of something else. One of the great tragedies in life is that young people do not think about impending wrinkles. And, of course, it might be 40 or 50 years before kids realize that the old man knew what he was talking about and that, had they listened, they could have been spared a bit of grief. This is too bad because young people are the only people who are in a position to do something about wrinkles. Hey kids. If you don’t want wrinkles --- on any part of your body --- 30, 40 or 50 years from now, don’t smoke, stay out of the sun and never, ever be foolish enough to get in a tanning booth.

The humble Farmer

Privacy was a thing of the past, the very walls had ears, and every day their leader reminded them that it was necessary to curb civil liberties because they were at war. People were expected to conveniently forget that there would be no war if he hadn’t started it in the first place. Amazingly enough, even after several years of wasting their resources, killing their young men in a meaningless war, and making them hated throughout the world, some of the wealthier citizens still thought that Hitler was the right man for the job.

May 26, 2006 The humble Farmer Radio Program

Unedited Rants for May 26, 2006 The humble Farmer radio program
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I hope you saw that Dateline program where they filmed 50 year old men showing up at a house, ostensibly to keep a date they’d made on line with a 12 year old girl. We are talking reality TV here that puts Cops to shame, and if you can’t feign an interest in seeing a naked man walking into a house with a box of cool whip in his hand, I strongly suggest that for the good of your kids and the other children in your community that you at least watch this show so you can meet some of the fellows your kids are chatting with on line. You can also go to your computer right now and watch this show on Dateline’s webpage. I’m 70 years old. I have been in the Coast Guard and I have four years of grad school. I have walked darkened back streets in Rome, Athens, Amsterdam, Paris and Casablanca. I can still vividly remember the hazards of hitchhiking over 50 years ago when I’d actually have to fight off men, who obviously trolled the roads for hitchhiking sailors. They tried to paw me and whined and cried and begged me for what they promised would be a wonderful experience. But this Dateline show made it clear that I ain’t never seen nothing and I don’t know nothing. There is another world out there now that old folks can’t even imagine, and we owe it to our kids to start catching up. When you saw the cops on Dateline grab 20 men, some of whom showed up at 4 in the morning to keep dates with 12 year old girls, you must have realized that you would have to multiply this one operation by every town and city in the world to understand the extent of the problem. Listen to what I turned up on Google. “During the Fort Myers sting, more than 100 men contacted expressed interest and fit the profile of an adult sex predator, and some even posed as children themselves Perverted Justice officials said. According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, 50,000 sexual predators are online at any time, and between 500,000 and 750,000 are online each day.” We are talking on line numbers here, so the predators don’t even need to be in your state: you can’t escape by being rural. You can see that there is a problem here. I don’t have an answer. But if I had children I would take a very close look at what they were doing on line.

Robert Karl Skoglund

Unedited Rant for May 26, 2006 The humble Farmer Radio Program

When I have something important to do --- something I know I have to do right this minute like take a shower or make promos for my friend Charles Beck, I too often put it off by doing something else that requires no thought or effort. This morning I was all set to go to the shower after I deleted, for perhaps the 100th time, an email that said cialis for only $5.95. So I Googled cialis just to find out what this cialis was and why anyone would want it for only $5.95. If you will Google cialis as I did, you will learn that ---- quote “The word "specialist" is frequently caught by primitive spam email blockers because it contains the word "cialis." Unquote. So I learned that I don’t have a primitive spam blocker because the word cialis got through. And, speaking of spam blockers, did you know that if your kid graduates with honors, you’re not going to be able to use email to tell your friends about it? We ended up notifying the relatives by snail mail when Marsha’s kid graduated from The University of Maine Summa Cum Laude.

Robert Karl Skoglund

Unedited Rant for May 26, 2006 The humble Farmer radio program

Have you ever seen men whom you might think have nothing going for them who are married to attractive, intelligent, industrious women? If you asked whatever got them together in the first place, she might say, “He makes me laugh.” Unfortunately for many men, they run out of material. Movies, books and plays have been written about wives who are still able to evoke a painful smile the 38th time they hear their husband tell one of his shopworn stories. My hat goes off to any woman who can laugh at her husband’s old jokes, and any husband who can come up with quality new material has my admiration. You know that I am not one to boast or brag, but I have the ability to make my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, laugh any time, any place. And I am not talking here about a chuckle but a wholesome, honest laugh that would make Jack Benny proud. To employ the vernacular --- I can crack her up. You know I have no secrets from you and you know that I am now going to tell you how I do it. Any man is welcome to follow my example, as long as he uses his own wife and chalks up a mental thanks to me each time. Ready to write this down? I gently seize Marsha by the shoulders, I gaze deeply and lovingly into her eyes, and then, having captured her attention as it were, I say with a deep and mellifluous voice, “My dear, please remember that I am the boss in this house.”

Robert Skoglund

Unedited Rants for May 26 The humble Farmer Radio Program

Rants May 26, 2006
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Admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter accusations. Advice to CIA graduating class.
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You might know that my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, is a fantastic cook. Every time she puts a meal on the table it is better than the one before it. Two minutes into every meal I applaud if we are alone, and if we have guests I invite them to join me in applauding the cook. Jeremy and Sally Tuttle, who are rich friends, gave us a waffle maker last Christmas --- but that’s redundant, isn’t it --- only rich people can afford to give away waffle makers --- so from time to time Marsha makes waffles. They are so good they do not need syrup and that is the way I eat them. But would you believe that this morning I took one bite out of a waffle and quickly removed it from my mouth? That’s a nice way of saying that I spit it on my plate. I was brought up in a home where you never made an unkind comment about the food. My father lived in Europe during the First World War and he lived on turnips for at least one winter so the rule was if I didn’t like something I simply didn’t put it on my plate. And, although there are one or two things I still don’t eat, I don’t make unkind comments about the food now. When anyone asks why I’m not eating this or that I say that it is so good --- it is a thrill I’m saving for my 80s. So. Marsha’s waffles are as good as anything can taste and when I bit into that waffle I felt as if I’d been betrayed. Marsha didn’t know I’d removed it from my mouth. I simply said, “This waffle is different” and went out in the kitchen and when she took a bite she threw away the batter. She explained that she was trying a mix put out by the grocery store where she shops because it was much cheaper than Krusteaz Belgium Waffle mix. This was the first time I had heard of Krusteaz Belgium Waffle mix and I would advise you to try it because if you eat just one Krusteaz waffle you’ll never want to eat any other kind. And do ask yourself: what profitith it a woman to buy waffle mix at half price if it takes a four dollar bottle of syrup to get it down?

Robert Skoglund

Rants for The humble Farmer Radio Program May 12, 2006

1. Time spent looking for lost items is never wasted time. The other day when I was looking for a CD I turned the place upside down without finding it. But I did find 200 Spanish flash cards that I’ve been missing for two weeks.
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2. Listen closely, and you will learn how not to do it. When I asked my computer guru what he liked, he said porterhouse steak. Marsha went to the market, and when she came home, after ensuring a comfortable retirement for two ranchers in Montana, I went into my storage shed and dug out a gas grill. It had rusted out and broke in two when I picked it up so I threw it aside and dug out another gas grill. Two small school desks were on top of it so I brought one of them into the house for the grandchildren. Do you find surprises in your storage shed if you only look in there once a year? Carpenter ants had invaded our fir tree friend, John Longwood, and there was a 10 inch pile of fine sawdust between his legs. Anyway, I dragged the grill up to the driveway, hooked up a gas bottle and touched her off. Bad plan. First you take it all apart and clean out generations of little smiling mouse skulls and everything else that has collected and been left behind. And even after taking the grill apart, washing it out and putting it back together --- well, be prepared for a unique experience when you warm up those little volcanic rocks in your grill after they have soaked in mouse urine for 12 years. Then, leaving nothing to chance, I emailed my friend Nick Diller in Great Barrington, Massachusetts to find out how to use a grill. Griller Diller, as he is called, is one of the world’s leading experts on grilling everything but hardened criminals, and he sent me 123 pages of his book, asking for nothing in return but a Norbert Twichell T shirt. Yes. Griller Diller sent me comprehensive directions on how to use a grill, but --- no where did I read that the dripping juice would catch on fire --- so I followed the directions and stood there like a nummy and watched the meat burn to a crisp.
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3. Perhaps you will tell me -- what is the matter with me? Can you believe that I don’t give a rat’s rear end about where Tom Cruise is or what he is doing? I have never seen the TV program that loves Raymond and I would rather take a beating than watch a baseball, football or basketball game. I would rather watch a baseball game than American Idol. I can’t get excited about programs that feature crime scene investigations because we see more and more people on TV nowadays who are not breathing. They probably work cheap. I don’t dance, I don’t ski, I don’t go on picnics, I don’t braid rugs and I don’t go hunting. Although I once had to conduct Beethoven’s 9th Symphony I don’t care for concerts. So, if you are hearing my voice for the first time, because there is only one thing left for most any American citizen, you probably think you know how I get through the evenings. But you are wrong: I don’t drink and I never did. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com How has the cream of what American culture has to offer passed me by? Am I driven by environment or genes? What do you do to enrich your life and how might I profit by your example? Please remember that I would find the social life of a cave dwelling monk to be an intolerable whirlwind.
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4. Did you hear Fred Nutter unload his opinion on TV the other day? I only heard part of what he said, but it seems that he is distressed that people sometimes have to stand in line for two hours to get a driver’s license or register a car. Thirty years ago you might remember that we were continually shown pictures of Russians standing in line as evidence that the system in the Soviet Union didn’t work and was on the verge of collapse. But I thought we sometimes have to stand in line for two hours at state license bureaus because the state is trying to save money by cutting back on unnecessary services. And you can live with that, can’t you? But, I think I heard Fred Nutter say --- are you listening to this? --- the state is about to hire four people to investigate state owned trails for those little four wheel vehicles that children are always crashing into trees. I hope you will correct me and tell me that I really didn’t hear what I think I heard. For years I always defended my many friends in our legislature because I honestly thought that they were doing their best. But --- if it is true that they are considering hiring four people to investigate making trails for four wheelers, perhaps you and I should strongly suggest that they get back to helping the widowed and fatherless.
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5. I told my brother Jim that Fred Nutter talked about the 2 hour wait you get on certain days when you want to renew your driver’s license or register your car. You might know that my brother Jim has the ability to come up with common sense answers to problems that baffle experts. Listen. My brother told me to write Matt Dunlap, the Secretary of State, and suggest that he install an EZ pass lane in the registration offices, where, by paying an extra $2 you could walk right through.
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6. When I heard Fred Nutter’s comment on how long it sometimes takes to get your car registered, I whisked out an email, outlining what I thought were Mr. Nutter’s concerns, to some of our more effective legislators. I was pleased when many of my legislator friends emailed me a response, but when I read them I was amazed that anything gets done in Augusta at all. A few knew exactly what had happened, a few raised eyebrows and said they’d find out what had happened, and others, with an alacrity usually only found on the national level, said they couldn’t do a thing because their hands were tied and it was the fault of the other party. A state senator once told me that Dr. Spooner would have described the helpless ones as “Shining Wits.” This little project has given me a new respect for lobbyists. Lobbyists are necessary because one person can’t know everything and all legislators know is what they read, see on television, hear on the radio or are told by someone who explains the situation while standing in the hallowed halls in Augusta. No matter what your legislative goal, be it increasing health insurance premiums or releasing an innocent man from prison, you must present your case to each individual legislator. If you take the time to quietly explain the situation over and over, legislators will vote on the basis of the information you have given them --- as is proven by our constantly increasing insurance premiums. So don’t give up. Legislators want to hear from you so their vote can be based on an educated decision. I was pleased to discover I have so many friends in Augusta. Because of the importance of Fred Nutter’s commentary, and because the Secretary of State wants you to know what’s going on, he called me to clarify matters, and when Marsha handed me the phone his first breathless words were, ‘Was that The Almost Perfect Woman?”
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7. Thank you for listening. Here’s a letter from Representative Thom Watson, who explains the ATV situation --- just for you.

Hello, Mr. Skoglund, and thanks for writing -

I heard the same Nutter op-ed on NBC this morning. I do not know about the Secretary of State's problems, but I do know something about the "four new hires" Mr. Nutter complains about.
Those positions were made available through a bill heard recently by the IF&W Committee, of which I am House Chair. The positions are part-time within the Department of Conservation, and are intended to provide support from the Department to local ATV clubs from around the state who are trying to establish ATV trails in various areas. Last year we raised the registration fees on these machines, and have devoted a good bit of that registration money to the ATV Trail effort -- in part, to give these residents and tourists safe places to ride without causing undue landowner distress.
There was enough money from the increased ATV registrations to fund the four part-timers in DOC completely -- this is not a "new" drain on the General Fund, because the ATV money is dedicated to doing just this sort of thing. ATV riders and owners are footing this bill, and asked for the new positions through the State's All Terrain Vehicle Trails Advisory Board.
Linking these ATV positions with the Secretary of State's computer problems makes no sense at all.

Thanks again for writing,
Thom Watson
Rep. House District 62 (Bath)

So. It seems that I threw my hands in the air and gnashed my teeth for nothing. The ATV people are footing the bill for their 4 part time people. You and I are not paying them, and they are going to give our ATV friends their own trails so they won’t be grinding up your fields and forests. So I’m happy and you and Fred Nutter should be happy. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and I’d like to hear from you -- even if you are not in the legislature. Do you believe what you read in the papers, see on television or hear on the radio? Or do you think that sometimes there might be another side to the story? And why do you suppose all those legislators wrote to tell me how much they enjoy this program? How much you want to bet they’re all hoping my wife will let me reinstate my annual lobster picnic.
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8. Hey Humble I work as a police officer. If my shift 'aligns' with your show, I'll often listen when I'm on patrol. I especially appreciate you. Do people really occasionally sometimes just stop in for supper? Best, Representative Chris
Thank you, Chris. Do people really occasionally sometimes just stop in for supper?
Yes, but only if they have an inordinately high IQ and an adventuresome palate. The only one I can think of who stopped in for dinner all last year was a retired professor of Philosophy from Colby and his wife. I warmed up some apple dumplings in the microwave. Another family from Camden stopped in for supper, but they brought food to make sure they would, indeed, get something decent to eat and even then, they called ahead.
You must certainly realize that nobody in this world has time to do anything. You’re a policeman, and you must know that even when a man is breaking down the back door to a beer store with an axe, he regrets that he can’t also be at home spending quality time with his children. This probably brings to your mind Damon Runyon's short story 'Butch Minds the Baby,’ in which a multi-tasking family man takes his baby with him when he goes out to blow a safe. I’m like Butch. Give me free tickets to the movies every night of the week and a nightly $20 gift certificate so I could revel at most any restaurant within 10 miles, and seven nights of the week I’d prefer to stay home.
Tim Sample, who is very smart, and who wants me to tell you that he was born in Maine, knew this about people when he put a brass plaque on his door that said something like, “Admission by appointment only.” You see, Tim Sample who was born in Maine knew that nobody has time to visit anybody, so he beat all these people who weren’t going to visit him to the punch by putting this very funny sign on his door that told them to go away. It was the epitome of dry humor. And, of course, I’m so numb that I didn’t get it until I just took time to think about it now.
I, on the other hand, invite people to my home. You see, it really doesn’t make any difference if you invite people to your home or if you put up a chain link fence and “beware of the dog” sign, because nobody is going to visit you anyway. People live their lives looking at the clock, watching the hands spin around, as they rend their garments and cry that they don’t seem to be getting anything done. Because there is no time to do anything. And when you do finish a project, you toss and turn in bed that night because you only got it done by putting off some other terrible chore that really should have been done.
I’m not saying that I don’t have visitors. Throughout the summer hundreds of cars raise a dust in my dooryard, but people leave without even getting out. This puts them in the same category as our friends who tour five European countries in three days. They can say that they were there but it was no more than a tiresome bother.
And, when it comes right down to it, would anyone in his right mind stop in to take pot luck with a man who thinks that the art of conversation is the ability to talk about himself? What in the world could they expect to get out of it? And suppose they didn’t like Marsha’s cooking. Because my friends are cultured people they would have to pretend that they liked roast chicken with cranberry sauce and fresh asparagus and would have to try just a bit. Of course, at your house I’d be honest and wouldn’t pretend to like any strange and mysterious items put before me. If it isn’t something my mother served every day in 1939, I don’t want it. I was invited to a friend’s house one night and when she heaped my plate with some veggies that would burn the tonsils out of an El Paso lawman, I simply squirmed and looked at my plate until it was time to go home.
By the way, Chris. Years ago when Bill Bryant was up in Houlton with --- is it Troop F? --- I used to mention that a friend of mine was sitting beneath the blue light on his car enjoying this program while watching for speeders. And if he had to shut off his favorite program to attend to business, it made him ugly and he wasn’t about to give warnings. Now that I know you will be listening, I’m encouraged to mention it again.
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9. In the May issue of Portland magazine, there is an article that compares Manchester, NH and Portland, Maine. Under Bragging Rights, it says:
“The cultural breakdown goes a little like this: Portland has Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Manchester claims Robert Frost (who farmed in nearby Derry for a time). To our Bob Marley, Tim Sample and Robert Skoglund, they answer with Adam Sandler and Sarah Silverman.”
I was overwhelmed with this undeserved honor of being mentioned in the same breath with Tim Sample who was born in Maine and immediately got off an email to thank Amy Barnett, editor of Portland magazine.
Meanwhile, I am also communicating by email with my niece Amy in Portland, Oregon who is planning to freeze to death 150 or so people at a June wedding party lobster cookout down on some beach in Pemaquid. I have offered to help Amy because Roan Buck and I have fed hundreds of people at my famous lobster picnics.
This morning I got a letter back from Amy Barnett at Portland magazine that returned my email letter and said simply, “Huh?”
The letter intended for my niece Amy in Portland Oregon that went to editor Amy in Portland, Maine said:

“Hi Amy,
Exactly which part of Pemaquid are we going to? I might go down to get a look at the lay of the land if you can give me precise directions. How do I find the parking lot?
I have faith in you and think that this will go very well for a first time through. Everyone will have an unforgettable good time.”
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10. You will remember the Harvard girl who copied another novel into her novel. I mentioned that I think she is cursed with a high IQ. Larry writes: humble: I knew a guy with perfect recall. You could specify the page and Jim would read verbatim from that page since it was recorded in his memory. I thought it a terrible curse. He was at a great disadvantage when taking essay exams since he had to reread the text in his head before making any comment. The Harvard wunderkind who wrote her book (How Mehta Got Kissed and Got a Life or something like that) was found to have 40 some plagiarized sections in her book that were nearly identical to some other book she had read and enjoyed. But, it's hard to imagine a Harvard student not knowing that using words from another text in her novel was wrong. Perhaps like my friend Jim, previous texts flowed from memory and she didn't stop to give attribution. Fatal error. But, it doesn't sound conscious since it's so easy to check with computers. Larry DeBlois, retired high school English teacher
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11. You probably heard about the man who has been trapped at Charles de Gaulle Airport since 1988. His passport got messed up so he can’t enter France and yet he is unable to leave it. It was written up in the newspaper because the reporter thought it was such a strange and unusual thing. But if you compare this unfortunate fellow to a man who doesn’t get along with his wife, yet has six kids so they can’t afford a divorce, we could probably find several hundred similar cases right here in Maine.

Robert Skoglund

May 19, 2006 Rants for The humble Farmer Radio Program.
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Can be heard on my web page.
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1. Have you ever seen a ghost? Have you ever seen a stone statue cry? I have seen something that fits in the same category and I am going to tell you about it now. This is not something I would say in a room crowded with strangers, because it would immediately destroy my credibility. But I can tell you what I saw out on the highway yesterday because you have listened to me for years and know that however improbable my story, it is the truth. Listen to this. Yesterday, out on the highway, I saw a Volvo station wagon with no ski racks.
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2. I didn’t realize I had so many friends in Portsmouth until Keith Eveland, who belongs to the Rotary Club down there, asked me to be in their Rotary variety show. It was about a 140 mile drive each way, but it was worth it to meet so many friends. Many, many of the men and women shakers and movers in Portsmouth, Rotarians all, told me how much they enjoy my stories and old fashioned music. I was flattered and amazed. Of course, most of the people in the audience were not radio friends, which presented a small problem when I was on stage because they didn’t know that I make fun of myself. It takes 10 or so minutes to warm up an audience and get to know them and let them get to know you but this time I was on and off in only five minutes. You know that much of what I have to say has to do with the many unwise things I do every day that make me human. You like this program because when you hear me say that I did something stupid --- you immediately identify. The auditorium where they had the show was beautiful, but there were four or so empty seats for every person there. And to get a decent response from any audience you have to have a full house. I have had a better response from the dozen or so treasurers from each province in Canada sitting around one table than I’ve had from 500 people in a room that was set up for 2000. And because I only had five minutes in Portsmouth, I didn’t have time to let the strangers see that : # I poke fun at myself. And #2. I poke fun of myself in an oblique manner --- you are going to have to think about what I said. And even then you might have to have your wife explain it to you. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com Please write and tell me that you understand this inordinately salient comment that tells so much about me, even though I don’t think anyone there got it. Ready? This is what I said: “I got here at noon because I wanted to be the first person here. I wanted to be right there by the door to shake your hand when you came in and thank you for supporting Rotary by coming. But not one Rotarian was here at noon. So I hung around until 1 o’clock and there was still nobody here. So I got thinking that they must be a pretty laid back bunch not to be setting up for a big variety show one hour before it was scheduled to start. So I went outside and walked over to some people who were standing in the parking lot and I said, ‘I hear they’re having some kind of variety show here. Can you tell me anything about it?’ And the woman said, ‘Oh yes. That’s tomorrow.’”
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3. There is a sign not far from Red’s Eats that says, “American & European Paintings.” Would not anyone with money enough to buy a European painting buy it in Europe? Ok. Just to be my own devil’s advocate, may I advance the parable of the dog who inherited 6 million dollars? You might remember that when I asked Marsha’s father, Bill, if a dog worth 6 million dollars would sniff another dog’s rear end, Bill said that a dog worth 6 million dollars could do anything it wanted. So you might argue that a person with money enough to buy a European painting could buy it anywhere he wanted. Because over half the art on my walls is a result of being on good terms with artists who live within five miles of my home, you are correct in assuming that my collection is somewhat limited and that because I think Wassily Kandinsky was a hoax and a fraud I am not qualified to comment. True. You might hear that some people have bought Andy Wyeth’s paintings in Japan, but that makes sense when you think about it. The only people who have money enough to buy Andy Wyeth’s paintings are Japanese. But please. Be honest with me. Can you imagine anyone saying, “Yup, couldn’t get that El Greco in the car. Had to haul it home in the truck all the way from Wiscasset.
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4. There are times when I would go along with an educated guess and there are times when an educated guess is probably no more than hooey. Can we possibly know what men were thinking 30,000 years ago when they painted wooly mammoths on cave walls? What do you think? One authority writes, “The probability is that the leading cave artists were great men who gave themselves airs.” Would you not suspect that this was written by a person who was at one time snubbed by an artist? I live in a town that is infested with artists, and from what I’ve heard and seen artists are no snobbier than house painters or plumbers. And --- should an artist produce his or her impression of me on canvas, there is no way you can get me to believe that they have captured my soul. The most impressive painting an artist ever did of me was one in which he left me out. After he’d done the pencil sketches he said he’d got to thinking about it and realized that the final picture was better without me. Did you know that anthropologists no longer think that cave painters believed their pictures brought them luck in the hunt? It seems that superstition was introduced thousands of years later when it was used quite effectively to squeeze money out of people. Now --- you and I have read in many places that artists often have affairs with their models. But do not professors have affairs with their students and do not people who work in stores or offices hold hands behind the water cooler? And even if you are not an artist, how many times have you invited some innocent and unsuspecting young thing into your home, ostensibly to view your art collection? OK. I think I’ve done a pretty good job defending my artist friends. They are really no more devious than you or I. But just so you can come to your own conclusion, what do you suppose could have been on this Spanish painter’s mind some 15,000 years ago?: Quote “Some of these works are photographed but the camera gives a poor idea of their nature and quality. Some are difficult to see anyway: the best part of Altamira has to be studied lying down.”

http://www.artchive.com/artchive/C/cave.html

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5. Would it surprise you to learn that the airlines have never lost one of my bags? It is not because I have relatives in high places. Let me tell you my secret that you may never, ever lose another bag. --- Although I am not a road warrior, I might have gone to Europe 20 or so times and I take to the air several times a year in this country. But --- the airlines have never lost one of my bags --- because --- for years I traveled with one ratty little green cloth knapsack with the top held on with two safety pins and I never let it out of my sight. Yes. It is possible to spend 30 days on European trains and go from Greece to Africa to Finland and carry everything you need for those 30 days on your back and in a little cloth bag which you can stuff under the seat. For years, I did this every time I went to Europe. Because --- the first time I went to Europe I went on a freighter called the Mormacpride and I carried

http://moore-mccormack.com/Cargo-Liners/Mormacpride.htm

two huge suitcases. Anyone who has hitchhiked through Europe carrying two fifty pound suitcases soon learns that there is a better way to travel and that you can wear the same pants and jacket for 30 days. So the next time I went abroad I carried no more than would comfortably fit into a tiny green knapsack. Of course my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, won’t permit me to travel like that now, but I did it for years without discomfort and enjoyed the convenience. And here’s how even married men married to Type A women can profit by my example. Never say a word when she jams your bag --- or even two bags --- full. But --- when you drive into the parking lot at the airport, unpack everything and leave the things you know you won’t need, like an extra pair of pants or two extra shirts, in your truck. Carry just one little bag with one change of underwear onto the plane and don’t let it out of your sight.
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6. We live in a state that has the highest taxes in the union. You have heard me say this many times before when I wanted to brag. But --- it never occurred to me that there are a few people who don’t understand what this means. Because when I wrote to some legislators and said that we have the highest taxes in the union they wrote back, “Yes, we do, and it is time for a change.” The people who think that way have no business being legislators because they obviously do not understand the meaning of high taxes. To begin with, they probably haven’t traveled. And there is no crime in that, although it does keep one from getting an education --- and by education I mean the ability to look at and compare lifestyles in one country with the lifestyles in other countries. And in the second place, these people have probably never read a newspaper in Dutch or Swedish or German or French or any other language. Our untraveled and unread friends are like the prisoners in Plato’s Cave who are prevented by their chains from seeing the real world and only see dancing shadows on the wall. They would be blinded and very uncomfortable if they were to suddenly turn around and be faced with reality.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plato

You, of course, realize when you stop to think about it, that taxes are an index of lifestyle. I am not a world traveler, but I have lived in Sweden and I have spent time in Holland, although our friends in those highly taxed countries have more education and more disposable income than most Americans and are more likely to visit us here. So, boo hoo. Maine is the highest taxed state in the country. Now that you know what that means, you can dry your tears. If there is a downside it is that these taxes have made Maine perhaps the most desirable state in which to live. New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts people can’t wait to retire so they can move up to Maine and enjoy all the good things that our taxes have made possible. And think about this. Would you rather live in Nigeria, where taxes are low but where you can’t step outside without a cordon of armed guards, or in Sweden where taxes are high and where you will not see shacks or poverty or Rotary variety shows to raise money for people who have been clobbered by accidents or disease. I recently heard someone say, “Yes, they have universal healthcare over there, but they’re trying to get rid of it.” This is true. The bloodsucking insurance companies that we have over here would dearly love to get rid of universal healthcare so they could do business over there, and every time you hear someone say “they’re trying to get rid of it” you know that the obscene amount of money you kick in for your health insurance is paying the lobby that is working on it. But the friends and relatives I’ve talked with --- well I suppose they take a good life for granted. Hey kids --- did you know that there are countries where college graduates do not find themselves with a diploma in one hand and a tuition bill that they can never pay in the other?
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7. Last week I played a tune called Get Your Kicks on Route 66. Later, I saw on my playlist, that I had written down 77. If you will keep that firmly in mind, please know that before 8 AM I had taken off the front storm door and put it on sawhorses in the barn so Marsha could scrape and paint it. My wife is a Type A who is genetically disposed to be ripping and tearing every minute of the day. One of her great regrets in life is that she can’t vacuum and scrape paint at the same time and if you saw this beautiful woman raising such a cloud of dust you would think I had carried off one of the Stepford Wives. You should know that, besides being good with her hands, my wife Marsha can also think. Listen. I brought home some trees from Fedco, --- and, by the way, that Fedco is one slick operation. I parked by the door and was in and out of there in a wink. --- Two of the trees were cherry trees that I got for my friend, Booger Boy Davis. So before I planted the trees I got for myself, I put the Boy’s 2 cherry trees in a five gallon bucket of water. You know, so they wouldn’t dry out while I was working in the hot sun. After I planted my trees, I took his cherry trees down to his house so I could plant them for him --- and I had to do that because he wasn’t going to be home for two weeks. I dug a hole in the ground and I reached for the first cherry tree --- but, the cherry tree had turned into a plum tree. When I read the little plastic name tag on the Boy’s tree, it said, Stanley Plum. And so did the other one. So I went home and called him up and said, “Hey Boy, would you just as soon have plum trees?” And he said that he didn’t like plums and he wanted cherries. So. Here I had already planted the Boy’s two cherry trees in my back yard and I didn’t want to dig them up again so I explained to Marsha what had happened. And what do you suppose Marsha, who doesn’t like plums and does like cherries, said? “Why don’t you leave those cherries right there in our back yard, and simply change those little plastic name tags?”
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8. Perhaps you have been to Egypt and have seen, with your own eyes, the pyramids. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has seen Stonehenge. You would be a unique individual, indeed, if you have seen the stone heads on Easter Island. I have seen the Parthenon and I have steered the Coast Guard Buoy Tender Laurel through the Cape Cod Canal. The Great Pyramid of Giza, the Cape Cod Canal, Stonehenge, the moai on Easter Island, the Parthenon. Now, can you tell me what these five things have in common? Are they not all excellent examples of what intelligent young people can accomplish when not distracted by TV or video games?
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9. Did you enjoy hearing Rush Limbaugh lambaste that wimpy, gutless Patrick Kennedy for being addicted to prescription drugs?