Robert Skoglund
May 19, 2006 Rants for The humble Farmer Radio Program.
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Can be heard on my web page.
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1. Have you ever seen a ghost? Have you ever seen a stone statue cry? I have seen something that fits in the same category and I am going to tell you about it now. This is not something I would say in a room crowded with strangers, because it would immediately destroy my credibility. But I can tell you what I saw out on the highway yesterday because you have listened to me for years and know that however improbable my story, it is the truth. Listen to this. Yesterday, out on the highway, I saw a Volvo station wagon with no ski racks.
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2. I didn’t realize I had so many friends in Portsmouth until Keith Eveland, who belongs to the Rotary Club down there, asked me to be in their Rotary variety show. It was about a 140 mile drive each way, but it was worth it to meet so many friends. Many, many of the men and women shakers and movers in Portsmouth, Rotarians all, told me how much they enjoy my stories and old fashioned music. I was flattered and amazed. Of course, most of the people in the audience were not radio friends, which presented a small problem when I was on stage because they didn’t know that I make fun of myself. It takes 10 or so minutes to warm up an audience and get to know them and let them get to know you but this time I was on and off in only five minutes. You know that much of what I have to say has to do with the many unwise things I do every day that make me human. You like this program because when you hear me say that I did something stupid --- you immediately identify. The auditorium where they had the show was beautiful, but there were four or so empty seats for every person there. And to get a decent response from any audience you have to have a full house. I have had a better response from the dozen or so treasurers from each province in Canada sitting around one table than I’ve had from 500 people in a room that was set up for 2000. And because I only had five minutes in Portsmouth, I didn’t have time to let the strangers see that : # I poke fun at myself. And #2. I poke fun of myself in an oblique manner --- you are going to have to think about what I said. And even then you might have to have your wife explain it to you. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com Please write and tell me that you understand this inordinately salient comment that tells so much about me, even though I don’t think anyone there got it. Ready? This is what I said: “I got here at noon because I wanted to be the first person here. I wanted to be right there by the door to shake your hand when you came in and thank you for supporting Rotary by coming. But not one Rotarian was here at noon. So I hung around until 1 o’clock and there was still nobody here. So I got thinking that they must be a pretty laid back bunch not to be setting up for a big variety show one hour before it was scheduled to start. So I went outside and walked over to some people who were standing in the parking lot and I said, ‘I hear they’re having some kind of variety show here. Can you tell me anything about it?’ And the woman said, ‘Oh yes. That’s tomorrow.’”
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3. There is a sign not far from Red’s Eats that says, “American & European Paintings.” Would not anyone with money enough to buy a European painting buy it in Europe? Ok. Just to be my own devil’s advocate, may I advance the parable of the dog who inherited 6 million dollars? You might remember that when I asked Marsha’s father, Bill, if a dog worth 6 million dollars would sniff another dog’s rear end, Bill said that a dog worth 6 million dollars could do anything it wanted. So you might argue that a person with money enough to buy a European painting could buy it anywhere he wanted. Because over half the art on my walls is a result of being on good terms with artists who live within five miles of my home, you are correct in assuming that my collection is somewhat limited and that because I think Wassily Kandinsky was a hoax and a fraud I am not qualified to comment. True. You might hear that some people have bought Andy Wyeth’s paintings in Japan, but that makes sense when you think about it. The only people who have money enough to buy Andy Wyeth’s paintings are Japanese. But please. Be honest with me. Can you imagine anyone saying, “Yup, couldn’t get that El Greco in the car. Had to haul it home in the truck all the way from Wiscasset.
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4. There are times when I would go along with an educated guess and there are times when an educated guess is probably no more than hooey. Can we possibly know what men were thinking 30,000 years ago when they painted wooly mammoths on cave walls? What do you think? One authority writes, “The probability is that the leading cave artists were great men who gave themselves airs.” Would you not suspect that this was written by a person who was at one time snubbed by an artist? I live in a town that is infested with artists, and from what I’ve heard and seen artists are no snobbier than house painters or plumbers. And --- should an artist produce his or her impression of me on canvas, there is no way you can get me to believe that they have captured my soul. The most impressive painting an artist ever did of me was one in which he left me out. After he’d done the pencil sketches he said he’d got to thinking about it and realized that the final picture was better without me. Did you know that anthropologists no longer think that cave painters believed their pictures brought them luck in the hunt? It seems that superstition was introduced thousands of years later when it was used quite effectively to squeeze money out of people. Now --- you and I have read in many places that artists often have affairs with their models. But do not professors have affairs with their students and do not people who work in stores or offices hold hands behind the water cooler? And even if you are not an artist, how many times have you invited some innocent and unsuspecting young thing into your home, ostensibly to view your art collection? OK. I think I’ve done a pretty good job defending my artist friends. They are really no more devious than you or I. But just so you can come to your own conclusion, what do you suppose could have been on this Spanish painter’s mind some 15,000 years ago?: Quote “Some of these works are photographed but the camera gives a poor idea of their nature and quality. Some are difficult to see anyway: the best part of Altamira has to be studied lying down.”
http://www.artchive.com/artchive/C/cave.html
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5. Would it surprise you to learn that the airlines have never lost one of my bags? It is not because I have relatives in high places. Let me tell you my secret that you may never, ever lose another bag. --- Although I am not a road warrior, I might have gone to Europe 20 or so times and I take to the air several times a year in this country. But --- the airlines have never lost one of my bags --- because --- for years I traveled with one ratty little green cloth knapsack with the top held on with two safety pins and I never let it out of my sight. Yes. It is possible to spend 30 days on European trains and go from Greece to Africa to Finland and carry everything you need for those 30 days on your back and in a little cloth bag which you can stuff under the seat. For years, I did this every time I went to Europe. Because --- the first time I went to Europe I went on a freighter called the Mormacpride and I carried
http://moore-mccormack.com/Cargo-Liners/Mormacpride.htm
two huge suitcases. Anyone who has hitchhiked through Europe carrying two fifty pound suitcases soon learns that there is a better way to travel and that you can wear the same pants and jacket for 30 days. So the next time I went abroad I carried no more than would comfortably fit into a tiny green knapsack. Of course my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, won’t permit me to travel like that now, but I did it for years without discomfort and enjoyed the convenience. And here’s how even married men married to Type A women can profit by my example. Never say a word when she jams your bag --- or even two bags --- full. But --- when you drive into the parking lot at the airport, unpack everything and leave the things you know you won’t need, like an extra pair of pants or two extra shirts, in your truck. Carry just one little bag with one change of underwear onto the plane and don’t let it out of your sight.
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6. We live in a state that has the highest taxes in the union. You have heard me say this many times before when I wanted to brag. But --- it never occurred to me that there are a few people who don’t understand what this means. Because when I wrote to some legislators and said that we have the highest taxes in the union they wrote back, “Yes, we do, and it is time for a change.” The people who think that way have no business being legislators because they obviously do not understand the meaning of high taxes. To begin with, they probably haven’t traveled. And there is no crime in that, although it does keep one from getting an education --- and by education I mean the ability to look at and compare lifestyles in one country with the lifestyles in other countries. And in the second place, these people have probably never read a newspaper in Dutch or Swedish or German or French or any other language. Our untraveled and unread friends are like the prisoners in Plato’s Cave who are prevented by their chains from seeing the real world and only see dancing shadows on the wall. They would be blinded and very uncomfortable if they were to suddenly turn around and be faced with reality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plato
You, of course, realize when you stop to think about it, that taxes are an index of lifestyle. I am not a world traveler, but I have lived in Sweden and I have spent time in Holland, although our friends in those highly taxed countries have more education and more disposable income than most Americans and are more likely to visit us here. So, boo hoo. Maine is the highest taxed state in the country. Now that you know what that means, you can dry your tears. If there is a downside it is that these taxes have made Maine perhaps the most desirable state in which to live. New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts people can’t wait to retire so they can move up to Maine and enjoy all the good things that our taxes have made possible. And think about this. Would you rather live in Nigeria, where taxes are low but where you can’t step outside without a cordon of armed guards, or in Sweden where taxes are high and where you will not see shacks or poverty or Rotary variety shows to raise money for people who have been clobbered by accidents or disease. I recently heard someone say, “Yes, they have universal healthcare over there, but they’re trying to get rid of it.” This is true. The bloodsucking insurance companies that we have over here would dearly love to get rid of universal healthcare so they could do business over there, and every time you hear someone say “they’re trying to get rid of it” you know that the obscene amount of money you kick in for your health insurance is paying the lobby that is working on it. But the friends and relatives I’ve talked with --- well I suppose they take a good life for granted. Hey kids --- did you know that there are countries where college graduates do not find themselves with a diploma in one hand and a tuition bill that they can never pay in the other?
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7. Last week I played a tune called Get Your Kicks on Route 66. Later, I saw on my playlist, that I had written down 77. If you will keep that firmly in mind, please know that before 8 AM I had taken off the front storm door and put it on sawhorses in the barn so Marsha could scrape and paint it. My wife is a Type A who is genetically disposed to be ripping and tearing every minute of the day. One of her great regrets in life is that she can’t vacuum and scrape paint at the same time and if you saw this beautiful woman raising such a cloud of dust you would think I had carried off one of the Stepford Wives. You should know that, besides being good with her hands, my wife Marsha can also think. Listen. I brought home some trees from Fedco, --- and, by the way, that Fedco is one slick operation. I parked by the door and was in and out of there in a wink. --- Two of the trees were cherry trees that I got for my friend, Booger Boy Davis. So before I planted the trees I got for myself, I put the Boy’s 2 cherry trees in a five gallon bucket of water. You know, so they wouldn’t dry out while I was working in the hot sun. After I planted my trees, I took his cherry trees down to his house so I could plant them for him --- and I had to do that because he wasn’t going to be home for two weeks. I dug a hole in the ground and I reached for the first cherry tree --- but, the cherry tree had turned into a plum tree. When I read the little plastic name tag on the Boy’s tree, it said, Stanley Plum. And so did the other one. So I went home and called him up and said, “Hey Boy, would you just as soon have plum trees?” And he said that he didn’t like plums and he wanted cherries. So. Here I had already planted the Boy’s two cherry trees in my back yard and I didn’t want to dig them up again so I explained to Marsha what had happened. And what do you suppose Marsha, who doesn’t like plums and does like cherries, said? “Why don’t you leave those cherries right there in our back yard, and simply change those little plastic name tags?”
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8. Perhaps you have been to Egypt and have seen, with your own eyes, the pyramids. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has seen Stonehenge. You would be a unique individual, indeed, if you have seen the stone heads on Easter Island. I have seen the Parthenon and I have steered the Coast Guard Buoy Tender Laurel through the Cape Cod Canal. The Great Pyramid of Giza, the Cape Cod Canal, Stonehenge, the moai on Easter Island, the Parthenon. Now, can you tell me what these five things have in common? Are they not all excellent examples of what intelligent young people can accomplish when not distracted by TV or video games?
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9. Did you enjoy hearing Rush Limbaugh lambaste that wimpy, gutless Patrick Kennedy for being addicted to prescription drugs?
+
Can be heard on my web page.
+
1. Have you ever seen a ghost? Have you ever seen a stone statue cry? I have seen something that fits in the same category and I am going to tell you about it now. This is not something I would say in a room crowded with strangers, because it would immediately destroy my credibility. But I can tell you what I saw out on the highway yesterday because you have listened to me for years and know that however improbable my story, it is the truth. Listen to this. Yesterday, out on the highway, I saw a Volvo station wagon with no ski racks.
+
2. I didn’t realize I had so many friends in Portsmouth until Keith Eveland, who belongs to the Rotary Club down there, asked me to be in their Rotary variety show. It was about a 140 mile drive each way, but it was worth it to meet so many friends. Many, many of the men and women shakers and movers in Portsmouth, Rotarians all, told me how much they enjoy my stories and old fashioned music. I was flattered and amazed. Of course, most of the people in the audience were not radio friends, which presented a small problem when I was on stage because they didn’t know that I make fun of myself. It takes 10 or so minutes to warm up an audience and get to know them and let them get to know you but this time I was on and off in only five minutes. You know that much of what I have to say has to do with the many unwise things I do every day that make me human. You like this program because when you hear me say that I did something stupid --- you immediately identify. The auditorium where they had the show was beautiful, but there were four or so empty seats for every person there. And to get a decent response from any audience you have to have a full house. I have had a better response from the dozen or so treasurers from each province in Canada sitting around one table than I’ve had from 500 people in a room that was set up for 2000. And because I only had five minutes in Portsmouth, I didn’t have time to let the strangers see that : # I poke fun at myself. And #2. I poke fun of myself in an oblique manner --- you are going to have to think about what I said. And even then you might have to have your wife explain it to you. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com Please write and tell me that you understand this inordinately salient comment that tells so much about me, even though I don’t think anyone there got it. Ready? This is what I said: “I got here at noon because I wanted to be the first person here. I wanted to be right there by the door to shake your hand when you came in and thank you for supporting Rotary by coming. But not one Rotarian was here at noon. So I hung around until 1 o’clock and there was still nobody here. So I got thinking that they must be a pretty laid back bunch not to be setting up for a big variety show one hour before it was scheduled to start. So I went outside and walked over to some people who were standing in the parking lot and I said, ‘I hear they’re having some kind of variety show here. Can you tell me anything about it?’ And the woman said, ‘Oh yes. That’s tomorrow.’”
+
3. There is a sign not far from Red’s Eats that says, “American & European Paintings.” Would not anyone with money enough to buy a European painting buy it in Europe? Ok. Just to be my own devil’s advocate, may I advance the parable of the dog who inherited 6 million dollars? You might remember that when I asked Marsha’s father, Bill, if a dog worth 6 million dollars would sniff another dog’s rear end, Bill said that a dog worth 6 million dollars could do anything it wanted. So you might argue that a person with money enough to buy a European painting could buy it anywhere he wanted. Because over half the art on my walls is a result of being on good terms with artists who live within five miles of my home, you are correct in assuming that my collection is somewhat limited and that because I think Wassily Kandinsky was a hoax and a fraud I am not qualified to comment. True. You might hear that some people have bought Andy Wyeth’s paintings in Japan, but that makes sense when you think about it. The only people who have money enough to buy Andy Wyeth’s paintings are Japanese. But please. Be honest with me. Can you imagine anyone saying, “Yup, couldn’t get that El Greco in the car. Had to haul it home in the truck all the way from Wiscasset.
+
4. There are times when I would go along with an educated guess and there are times when an educated guess is probably no more than hooey. Can we possibly know what men were thinking 30,000 years ago when they painted wooly mammoths on cave walls? What do you think? One authority writes, “The probability is that the leading cave artists were great men who gave themselves airs.” Would you not suspect that this was written by a person who was at one time snubbed by an artist? I live in a town that is infested with artists, and from what I’ve heard and seen artists are no snobbier than house painters or plumbers. And --- should an artist produce his or her impression of me on canvas, there is no way you can get me to believe that they have captured my soul. The most impressive painting an artist ever did of me was one in which he left me out. After he’d done the pencil sketches he said he’d got to thinking about it and realized that the final picture was better without me. Did you know that anthropologists no longer think that cave painters believed their pictures brought them luck in the hunt? It seems that superstition was introduced thousands of years later when it was used quite effectively to squeeze money out of people. Now --- you and I have read in many places that artists often have affairs with their models. But do not professors have affairs with their students and do not people who work in stores or offices hold hands behind the water cooler? And even if you are not an artist, how many times have you invited some innocent and unsuspecting young thing into your home, ostensibly to view your art collection? OK. I think I’ve done a pretty good job defending my artist friends. They are really no more devious than you or I. But just so you can come to your own conclusion, what do you suppose could have been on this Spanish painter’s mind some 15,000 years ago?: Quote “Some of these works are photographed but the camera gives a poor idea of their nature and quality. Some are difficult to see anyway: the best part of Altamira has to be studied lying down.”
http://www.artchive.com/artchive/C/cave.html
+
5. Would it surprise you to learn that the airlines have never lost one of my bags? It is not because I have relatives in high places. Let me tell you my secret that you may never, ever lose another bag. --- Although I am not a road warrior, I might have gone to Europe 20 or so times and I take to the air several times a year in this country. But --- the airlines have never lost one of my bags --- because --- for years I traveled with one ratty little green cloth knapsack with the top held on with two safety pins and I never let it out of my sight. Yes. It is possible to spend 30 days on European trains and go from Greece to Africa to Finland and carry everything you need for those 30 days on your back and in a little cloth bag which you can stuff under the seat. For years, I did this every time I went to Europe. Because --- the first time I went to Europe I went on a freighter called the Mormacpride and I carried
http://moore-mccormack.com/Cargo-Liners/Mormacpride.htm
two huge suitcases. Anyone who has hitchhiked through Europe carrying two fifty pound suitcases soon learns that there is a better way to travel and that you can wear the same pants and jacket for 30 days. So the next time I went abroad I carried no more than would comfortably fit into a tiny green knapsack. Of course my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, won’t permit me to travel like that now, but I did it for years without discomfort and enjoyed the convenience. And here’s how even married men married to Type A women can profit by my example. Never say a word when she jams your bag --- or even two bags --- full. But --- when you drive into the parking lot at the airport, unpack everything and leave the things you know you won’t need, like an extra pair of pants or two extra shirts, in your truck. Carry just one little bag with one change of underwear onto the plane and don’t let it out of your sight.
+
6. We live in a state that has the highest taxes in the union. You have heard me say this many times before when I wanted to brag. But --- it never occurred to me that there are a few people who don’t understand what this means. Because when I wrote to some legislators and said that we have the highest taxes in the union they wrote back, “Yes, we do, and it is time for a change.” The people who think that way have no business being legislators because they obviously do not understand the meaning of high taxes. To begin with, they probably haven’t traveled. And there is no crime in that, although it does keep one from getting an education --- and by education I mean the ability to look at and compare lifestyles in one country with the lifestyles in other countries. And in the second place, these people have probably never read a newspaper in Dutch or Swedish or German or French or any other language. Our untraveled and unread friends are like the prisoners in Plato’s Cave who are prevented by their chains from seeing the real world and only see dancing shadows on the wall. They would be blinded and very uncomfortable if they were to suddenly turn around and be faced with reality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plato
You, of course, realize when you stop to think about it, that taxes are an index of lifestyle. I am not a world traveler, but I have lived in Sweden and I have spent time in Holland, although our friends in those highly taxed countries have more education and more disposable income than most Americans and are more likely to visit us here. So, boo hoo. Maine is the highest taxed state in the country. Now that you know what that means, you can dry your tears. If there is a downside it is that these taxes have made Maine perhaps the most desirable state in which to live. New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts people can’t wait to retire so they can move up to Maine and enjoy all the good things that our taxes have made possible. And think about this. Would you rather live in Nigeria, where taxes are low but where you can’t step outside without a cordon of armed guards, or in Sweden where taxes are high and where you will not see shacks or poverty or Rotary variety shows to raise money for people who have been clobbered by accidents or disease. I recently heard someone say, “Yes, they have universal healthcare over there, but they’re trying to get rid of it.” This is true. The bloodsucking insurance companies that we have over here would dearly love to get rid of universal healthcare so they could do business over there, and every time you hear someone say “they’re trying to get rid of it” you know that the obscene amount of money you kick in for your health insurance is paying the lobby that is working on it. But the friends and relatives I’ve talked with --- well I suppose they take a good life for granted. Hey kids --- did you know that there are countries where college graduates do not find themselves with a diploma in one hand and a tuition bill that they can never pay in the other?
+
7. Last week I played a tune called Get Your Kicks on Route 66. Later, I saw on my playlist, that I had written down 77. If you will keep that firmly in mind, please know that before 8 AM I had taken off the front storm door and put it on sawhorses in the barn so Marsha could scrape and paint it. My wife is a Type A who is genetically disposed to be ripping and tearing every minute of the day. One of her great regrets in life is that she can’t vacuum and scrape paint at the same time and if you saw this beautiful woman raising such a cloud of dust you would think I had carried off one of the Stepford Wives. You should know that, besides being good with her hands, my wife Marsha can also think. Listen. I brought home some trees from Fedco, --- and, by the way, that Fedco is one slick operation. I parked by the door and was in and out of there in a wink. --- Two of the trees were cherry trees that I got for my friend, Booger Boy Davis. So before I planted the trees I got for myself, I put the Boy’s 2 cherry trees in a five gallon bucket of water. You know, so they wouldn’t dry out while I was working in the hot sun. After I planted my trees, I took his cherry trees down to his house so I could plant them for him --- and I had to do that because he wasn’t going to be home for two weeks. I dug a hole in the ground and I reached for the first cherry tree --- but, the cherry tree had turned into a plum tree. When I read the little plastic name tag on the Boy’s tree, it said, Stanley Plum. And so did the other one. So I went home and called him up and said, “Hey Boy, would you just as soon have plum trees?” And he said that he didn’t like plums and he wanted cherries. So. Here I had already planted the Boy’s two cherry trees in my back yard and I didn’t want to dig them up again so I explained to Marsha what had happened. And what do you suppose Marsha, who doesn’t like plums and does like cherries, said? “Why don’t you leave those cherries right there in our back yard, and simply change those little plastic name tags?”
+
8. Perhaps you have been to Egypt and have seen, with your own eyes, the pyramids. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has seen Stonehenge. You would be a unique individual, indeed, if you have seen the stone heads on Easter Island. I have seen the Parthenon and I have steered the Coast Guard Buoy Tender Laurel through the Cape Cod Canal. The Great Pyramid of Giza, the Cape Cod Canal, Stonehenge, the moai on Easter Island, the Parthenon. Now, can you tell me what these five things have in common? Are they not all excellent examples of what intelligent young people can accomplish when not distracted by TV or video games?
+
9. Did you enjoy hearing Rush Limbaugh lambaste that wimpy, gutless Patrick Kennedy for being addicted to prescription drugs?
posted by The humble Farmer at 11:05 AM
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