The humble Farmer
Unedited Rants for May 5, 2006 Radio Show
1. Because my little brother Jim, whom I respect, admire and love dearly, is about to celebrate his 66th birthday, I would like to recite --- as much as I can remember of a poem he wrote for me on my 25th birthday. In a style combining --- and thereby augmenting --- the prowess of Caedmon, Spenser, Milton, Shakespeare and Andrew Marvell, this poem very nicely addresses my only addiction. Before my brother Jim was born, mother used to say to me, “If you want a little brother, drink your milk.” My brother probably owes his very existence --- to the fact that I was not as lactose intolerant then as I am now. If you have already heard this poem that my brother wrote for me on my 25th birthday, please bear with me.
The bells toll out their message stark
Toynbee’s passed the quarter century mark.
Unaddicted, as are we peons
He should outlive us by several eons.
But though he’s free from sin and vice
He still finds chapstick very nice.
+
2. Did you see the 19 year old Harvard student who wrote her first novel and discovered, to her horror, that there were many segments in it that looked like they had been lifted from a book written by another woman? The authorette had read the other book a couple of years before when she was in high school and when she wrote her novel -- entire phrases that she had read back then --- appeared in her book. --- What do you think? --- First of all, please consider that even very numb college students know that nowadays, if they lift something and paste it in their papers, that patch of purple prose will stick out like wisdom in a press conference, their professor will Google it, identify the source, circle it in red, and throw it back at them. Thank goodness you and I didn’t labor under those constraints or we probably wouldn’t have gotten through school. Yes, I’m talking to you. I know exactly what you did because I did the same thing. I used to get Cs on most of my exams and, because I was a gifted plagiarist who could sometimes even improve upon the words of others, I got As on my papers which enabled me to squeak through college with a B minus average. Your mind works fast, and now that I’ve presented you with this problem, you of course realize that students are certainly now circumventing the net by developing their thesaurus skills. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com if you want to bring us up to date on the use of Google in grading suspicious looking term papers. Anyway, it’s a different ball game nowadays, and this brilliant Harvard girl knows full well --- that if she copies anything, she is going to be nailed --- and because she is not a fool she is not going to do it. You remember Good Will Hunting who could not only rattle off paragraphs from memory but the page it was written on. This girl, being not quite that gifted, is only cursed with being able to remember everything that she has ever read and heard. Didn’t you hate having classmates with total recall taking an examination in the seat next to you? I graduated from Gorham Normal School 3 years after my brother did and it was bad enough to have my teaching-methods professor say, “Mr. Skoglund. I’m surprised you flunked that test on cataloging reference materials for augmenting third grade reading skills. Your brother Jim got the highest mark that I have ever given.” Anyway, I’m going to give the Harvard authorette the benefit of the doubt. The only crime I would charge her with is having an unforgivably high IQ.
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3. The other day a man from New Hampshire was introduced to me on the television news. He wrote a book called the DaVinci Code about which I had heard much but about which I knew absolutely nothing. On the news they said it had sold 40 million copies. I asked Marsha if she had read it and she said yes and I asked her if it was a good book and she said yes and I asked her if she had it and she said yes and I asked her if I would enjoy it and she said yes. So because the man who wrote it was from New Hampshire and was probably one of my radio friends I decided to read his book and I pulled it off the shelf. I wish I had it in Dutch or Swedish or French because I feel as if I’m wasting my time when I read English because I can already struggle by in English and there are so many other languages I want to learn. You’ve heard me say how I read books, and I’m reading The Da Vinci Code the same way. So far I’ve read the first chapter and the last two chapters. You know that I would never read a book unless I knew how it ended. Come to think of it, that’s probably because for many, many years I wrote a humor column for over 50 newspapers. --- And when you write a humor column you start with the ending or punchline, and then write backwards until you get to the beginning. I wouldn’t be surprised if you write novels the same way. You have to know where you’re going or you never get there and you come across like a political commentator on AM radio. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com Do you think I will enjoy the middle chapters of The Da Vinci Code? So far I’ve learned one thing I’ve wondered about for years: The meaning of two words: “Sophie’s Choice.”
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4. If you are big enough --- if you are powerful enough, you can get away with anything. Perhaps you saw the Martha Stewart television feature called “Five Meals From One Bag.” If I were to even suggest that Martha Stewart produce such a program, I would be shut off the air.
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5. You heard me say that I have read the first and last two chapters of the Da Vinci Code. Whenever I read a book I always read the first chapter and the last two chapters first. Reading the first chapter tells me who the book is about and reading the last two chapters tells me if he or she is still going to be standing at the end. If the book doesn’t have a happy ending, I’m not going to waste my time reading it. I like books and movies that make me laugh. I am dependant upon movie subtitles and even though I won’t understand most of what they are saying, because I like to laugh, I’m about to go see Thank You for Smoking. If I want to be depressed I can look in an old diary and see what I was doing 50 years ago today or watch the evening news. I am now half a dozen pages deeper into the Da Vinci Code, and am not comforted. I get the impression that the author is talking down to me when he patiently explains that the Jardins des Tuileris has nothing to do with tulips. A week or two ago I mentioned the Louvre and Vigeland, but --- because I know you, I did not need to say The Louvre --- in Paris and Vigeland --- in Oslo. It would have been like slapping your face. Also, although we read how much research had been put into this book to obtain accuracy, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read, in The Da Vinci Code, that Art Buchwald boasted that he had seen the Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, and Winged Victory in five minutes and fifty six seconds. Argh. I almost cried. You know that this is not true. As everyone knows, Art Buchwald wrote that an American tourist, Peter Stone, saw all three in five minutes and fifty six seconds. You will recall that Peter Stone was the American tourist who once studied the Winged Victory for an hour and then said, “It will never fly.” Now. You might ask yourself, how can Robert Skoglund, who cannot remember the names or faces of his friends --- Robert Skoglund who can’t remember to hang out the wash --- Robert Skoglund who puts a plate of food in the microwave at noon and forgets to eat it until his wife finds it in there 5 hours later --- How can this man with the intellectual prowess of a zombie critique a book that has sold 40 million copies? Here he is --- pretending to have an archeologist’s knowledge of the Jardins des Tuileris. And how could he know that Art Buchwald never boasted of a Six Minute Louvre? Es mye sincio. Ecutay. May I explain? You might remember my mentioning that one evening, during a quiz at a grange meeting, my brother knew how many million sheep were in Australia. And afterwards, when I asked him how he knew how many sheep were in Australia, he said that Mr. Moberg had mentioned it in a geography class down at Gorham Normal School. And I allowed as how that was nice, but how in the world could he remember it for over 45 years? And my brother straightened his shoulders, and he looked me in the eye, and he simply said, “How could you forget anything that Moberg said?” May I, with slouched shoulders, study my shoes as I advance the same argument? “How could you forget anything that Art Buchwald wrote?”
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6. We started to think seriously about that thing called EZ pass when we were stuck in a horrible mess of traffic at the George Washington Bridge at 10 o’clock on a rainy night. But is not horrible mess of traffic at the George Washington Bridge redundant? Cars were zipping through the EZ pass lane and we were stuck. Stopped dead in our tracks. If that didn’t convince me to investigate EZ Pass, when we got to the NH turnpike, I peeled off four tokens from a huge roll, only to have the man in the booth look at me as if I had offered him confederate money. In case you haven’t heard, all those rolls and rolls of NH turnpike tokens you bought at half price and very cleverly stored away are now worthless. So, I tried to fill out the EZ pass form on line. Would it surprise you to learn that I got bogged down and had to request that they mail me an application? Although Marsha and I worked on the EZ pass application for quite some time, we are still on speaking terms. Barely. I put my name on it --- do you believe in six places? I put my name on this application for EZ pass six times. We are talking one sheet of paper here upon which I was required to put my name six times. I suppose they wanted to make sure I wasn’t trying to put something over on them. I was also required to put my mailing address on it in three places, initial it and then add my phone number and email address. No, I was not applying to become a member of the secret service. We are talking here about an application for EZ pass. The license plate type stumped me. I looked all over my registration but found no item that was labeled license plate type. When I called the Maine Turnpike Authority for help, Sean, the nice young man there, told me that on my registration, type was called Class. I finally filled in all the blanks, stuffed it in an envelope and mailed it in. I won’t believe I did it right until I get my little computer chip from them to stick on my windshield. And even then, every time I drive thru the EZ pass lane, without paying I’m going to feel like a scofflaw because I didn’t stop to pay.
+
In the May issue of Portland magazine, there is an article that compares Manchester, NH and Portland, Maine. Under Bragging Rights, it says:
“The cultural breakdown goes a little like this: Portland has Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Manchester claims Robert Frost (who farmed in nearby Derry for a time). To our Bob Marley, Tim Sample and Robert Skoglund, they answer with Adam Sandler and Sarah Silverman.”
I was overwhelmed with this undeserved honor of being mentioned in the same breath with Tim Sample and immediately got off an email to thank Amy Barnett, editor of Portland magazine.
Meanwhile, I am also communicating by email with my niece Amy in Portland, Oregon who is planning to freeze to death 150 or so people at a June wedding party lobster cookout down on some beach in Pemaquid. I have offered to help Amy because I have fed hundreds of people at my famous lobster picnics.
This morning I got a letter back from Amy Barnett at Portland magazine that returned my email letter and said simply, “Huh?”
The letter intended for my niece Amy in Portland Oregon that went to editor Amy in Portland, Maine said:
“Hi Amy,
Exactly which part of Pemaquid are we going to? I might go down to get a look at the lay of the land if you can give me precise directions. How do I find the parking lot?
I have faith in you and think that this will go very well for a first time through. Everyone will have an unforgettable good time.”
+
I have no idea how to get into my original Blog. Any help from you would be appreciated.
humble@humblefarmer.com
1. Because my little brother Jim, whom I respect, admire and love dearly, is about to celebrate his 66th birthday, I would like to recite --- as much as I can remember of a poem he wrote for me on my 25th birthday. In a style combining --- and thereby augmenting --- the prowess of Caedmon, Spenser, Milton, Shakespeare and Andrew Marvell, this poem very nicely addresses my only addiction. Before my brother Jim was born, mother used to say to me, “If you want a little brother, drink your milk.” My brother probably owes his very existence --- to the fact that I was not as lactose intolerant then as I am now. If you have already heard this poem that my brother wrote for me on my 25th birthday, please bear with me.
The bells toll out their message stark
Toynbee’s passed the quarter century mark.
Unaddicted, as are we peons
He should outlive us by several eons.
But though he’s free from sin and vice
He still finds chapstick very nice.
+
2. Did you see the 19 year old Harvard student who wrote her first novel and discovered, to her horror, that there were many segments in it that looked like they had been lifted from a book written by another woman? The authorette had read the other book a couple of years before when she was in high school and when she wrote her novel -- entire phrases that she had read back then --- appeared in her book. --- What do you think? --- First of all, please consider that even very numb college students know that nowadays, if they lift something and paste it in their papers, that patch of purple prose will stick out like wisdom in a press conference, their professor will Google it, identify the source, circle it in red, and throw it back at them. Thank goodness you and I didn’t labor under those constraints or we probably wouldn’t have gotten through school. Yes, I’m talking to you. I know exactly what you did because I did the same thing. I used to get Cs on most of my exams and, because I was a gifted plagiarist who could sometimes even improve upon the words of others, I got As on my papers which enabled me to squeak through college with a B minus average. Your mind works fast, and now that I’ve presented you with this problem, you of course realize that students are certainly now circumventing the net by developing their thesaurus skills. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com if you want to bring us up to date on the use of Google in grading suspicious looking term papers. Anyway, it’s a different ball game nowadays, and this brilliant Harvard girl knows full well --- that if she copies anything, she is going to be nailed --- and because she is not a fool she is not going to do it. You remember Good Will Hunting who could not only rattle off paragraphs from memory but the page it was written on. This girl, being not quite that gifted, is only cursed with being able to remember everything that she has ever read and heard. Didn’t you hate having classmates with total recall taking an examination in the seat next to you? I graduated from Gorham Normal School 3 years after my brother did and it was bad enough to have my teaching-methods professor say, “Mr. Skoglund. I’m surprised you flunked that test on cataloging reference materials for augmenting third grade reading skills. Your brother Jim got the highest mark that I have ever given.” Anyway, I’m going to give the Harvard authorette the benefit of the doubt. The only crime I would charge her with is having an unforgivably high IQ.
+
3. The other day a man from New Hampshire was introduced to me on the television news. He wrote a book called the DaVinci Code about which I had heard much but about which I knew absolutely nothing. On the news they said it had sold 40 million copies. I asked Marsha if she had read it and she said yes and I asked her if it was a good book and she said yes and I asked her if she had it and she said yes and I asked her if I would enjoy it and she said yes. So because the man who wrote it was from New Hampshire and was probably one of my radio friends I decided to read his book and I pulled it off the shelf. I wish I had it in Dutch or Swedish or French because I feel as if I’m wasting my time when I read English because I can already struggle by in English and there are so many other languages I want to learn. You’ve heard me say how I read books, and I’m reading The Da Vinci Code the same way. So far I’ve read the first chapter and the last two chapters. You know that I would never read a book unless I knew how it ended. Come to think of it, that’s probably because for many, many years I wrote a humor column for over 50 newspapers. --- And when you write a humor column you start with the ending or punchline, and then write backwards until you get to the beginning. I wouldn’t be surprised if you write novels the same way. You have to know where you’re going or you never get there and you come across like a political commentator on AM radio. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com Do you think I will enjoy the middle chapters of The Da Vinci Code? So far I’ve learned one thing I’ve wondered about for years: The meaning of two words: “Sophie’s Choice.”
+
4. If you are big enough --- if you are powerful enough, you can get away with anything. Perhaps you saw the Martha Stewart television feature called “Five Meals From One Bag.” If I were to even suggest that Martha Stewart produce such a program, I would be shut off the air.
+
5. You heard me say that I have read the first and last two chapters of the Da Vinci Code. Whenever I read a book I always read the first chapter and the last two chapters first. Reading the first chapter tells me who the book is about and reading the last two chapters tells me if he or she is still going to be standing at the end. If the book doesn’t have a happy ending, I’m not going to waste my time reading it. I like books and movies that make me laugh. I am dependant upon movie subtitles and even though I won’t understand most of what they are saying, because I like to laugh, I’m about to go see Thank You for Smoking. If I want to be depressed I can look in an old diary and see what I was doing 50 years ago today or watch the evening news. I am now half a dozen pages deeper into the Da Vinci Code, and am not comforted. I get the impression that the author is talking down to me when he patiently explains that the Jardins des Tuileris has nothing to do with tulips. A week or two ago I mentioned the Louvre and Vigeland, but --- because I know you, I did not need to say The Louvre --- in Paris and Vigeland --- in Oslo. It would have been like slapping your face. Also, although we read how much research had been put into this book to obtain accuracy, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read, in The Da Vinci Code, that Art Buchwald boasted that he had seen the Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, and Winged Victory in five minutes and fifty six seconds. Argh. I almost cried. You know that this is not true. As everyone knows, Art Buchwald wrote that an American tourist, Peter Stone, saw all three in five minutes and fifty six seconds. You will recall that Peter Stone was the American tourist who once studied the Winged Victory for an hour and then said, “It will never fly.” Now. You might ask yourself, how can Robert Skoglund, who cannot remember the names or faces of his friends --- Robert Skoglund who can’t remember to hang out the wash --- Robert Skoglund who puts a plate of food in the microwave at noon and forgets to eat it until his wife finds it in there 5 hours later --- How can this man with the intellectual prowess of a zombie critique a book that has sold 40 million copies? Here he is --- pretending to have an archeologist’s knowledge of the Jardins des Tuileris. And how could he know that Art Buchwald never boasted of a Six Minute Louvre? Es mye sincio. Ecutay. May I explain? You might remember my mentioning that one evening, during a quiz at a grange meeting, my brother knew how many million sheep were in Australia. And afterwards, when I asked him how he knew how many sheep were in Australia, he said that Mr. Moberg had mentioned it in a geography class down at Gorham Normal School. And I allowed as how that was nice, but how in the world could he remember it for over 45 years? And my brother straightened his shoulders, and he looked me in the eye, and he simply said, “How could you forget anything that Moberg said?” May I, with slouched shoulders, study my shoes as I advance the same argument? “How could you forget anything that Art Buchwald wrote?”
+
6. We started to think seriously about that thing called EZ pass when we were stuck in a horrible mess of traffic at the George Washington Bridge at 10 o’clock on a rainy night. But is not horrible mess of traffic at the George Washington Bridge redundant? Cars were zipping through the EZ pass lane and we were stuck. Stopped dead in our tracks. If that didn’t convince me to investigate EZ Pass, when we got to the NH turnpike, I peeled off four tokens from a huge roll, only to have the man in the booth look at me as if I had offered him confederate money. In case you haven’t heard, all those rolls and rolls of NH turnpike tokens you bought at half price and very cleverly stored away are now worthless. So, I tried to fill out the EZ pass form on line. Would it surprise you to learn that I got bogged down and had to request that they mail me an application? Although Marsha and I worked on the EZ pass application for quite some time, we are still on speaking terms. Barely. I put my name on it --- do you believe in six places? I put my name on this application for EZ pass six times. We are talking one sheet of paper here upon which I was required to put my name six times. I suppose they wanted to make sure I wasn’t trying to put something over on them. I was also required to put my mailing address on it in three places, initial it and then add my phone number and email address. No, I was not applying to become a member of the secret service. We are talking here about an application for EZ pass. The license plate type stumped me. I looked all over my registration but found no item that was labeled license plate type. When I called the Maine Turnpike Authority for help, Sean, the nice young man there, told me that on my registration, type was called Class. I finally filled in all the blanks, stuffed it in an envelope and mailed it in. I won’t believe I did it right until I get my little computer chip from them to stick on my windshield. And even then, every time I drive thru the EZ pass lane, without paying I’m going to feel like a scofflaw because I didn’t stop to pay.
+
In the May issue of Portland magazine, there is an article that compares Manchester, NH and Portland, Maine. Under Bragging Rights, it says:
“The cultural breakdown goes a little like this: Portland has Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Manchester claims Robert Frost (who farmed in nearby Derry for a time). To our Bob Marley, Tim Sample and Robert Skoglund, they answer with Adam Sandler and Sarah Silverman.”
I was overwhelmed with this undeserved honor of being mentioned in the same breath with Tim Sample and immediately got off an email to thank Amy Barnett, editor of Portland magazine.
Meanwhile, I am also communicating by email with my niece Amy in Portland, Oregon who is planning to freeze to death 150 or so people at a June wedding party lobster cookout down on some beach in Pemaquid. I have offered to help Amy because I have fed hundreds of people at my famous lobster picnics.
This morning I got a letter back from Amy Barnett at Portland magazine that returned my email letter and said simply, “Huh?”
The letter intended for my niece Amy in Portland Oregon that went to editor Amy in Portland, Maine said:
“Hi Amy,
Exactly which part of Pemaquid are we going to? I might go down to get a look at the lay of the land if you can give me precise directions. How do I find the parking lot?
I have faith in you and think that this will go very well for a first time through. Everyone will have an unforgettable good time.”
+
I have no idea how to get into my original Blog. Any help from you would be appreciated.
humble@humblefarmer.com
posted by The humble Farmer at 2:12 PM
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