I Can't Breathe --- but that was by Ring Lardner
I haven’t had time to breathe since we left our winter digs in Florida last April.
My friends are asking why I don't have the pictures from my last stage show up on my web page so they can see themselves.
Perhaps you are one of them.
I’m 70 years old. When I was 15 I thought I’d have everything done by the time I was an ancient 27, but I’m 70 and the number of things I still have to do seem to be increasing geometrically. Why should this be happening to me?
I just made 4 radio programs. Tomorrow I am reading to some children in Bath, I’m speaking to a national association of doctors Friday, and Saturday I go to Europe. I don’t get to come home from Europe but go directly from the plane to Philadelphia for another 3-day conference.
Oh, before I go I have to fill out an accident report because some tailgating woman rammed me in the rear end while I was stopped at a stop light and I have to get a Notary license so I can marry some young radio friends in October.
When I get home from Philadelphia I will face an undefeatable pile of email and papers on my desk.
By then my teeth will be green because I understand that we are no longer allowed to travel with toothpaste.
Please also take into consideration that while I’m doing all these things --- even at the age of 70 I'm still expected to make my wife happy.
This morning after mowing the field for two hours so the cow friends will have something fresh and green to eat next month, I noticed that the bees are dying so I’m working on that while going through piles of paper and unopened mail to see if there are any lost bills I have to pay before going away.
I seldom have time to eat dinner so I end up eating dinner at 5 or 6 in the evening when any honest Maine man should be sitting down to supper.
Because I’ve been on Public Radio for 28 years, radio friends are often good enough to stop by to visit. We have a Bed & Breakfast so people stop in to ask about that, too. I never know who is driving in the yard, but because they might want to buy one of my CDs or rent our back room, I’m always nice.
A car stopped in this morning. I heard the driveway bell ding when they drove in over the rubber hose.
Grabbed a waffle and went out to see who it was. Finally, a chance to eat breakfast.
Big white suburban thing. I had no idea of who it was.
Right then, had I known what I knew five minutes later, I would have been able to deliver one of the great lines of a lifetime. You know how you always think of these great lines afterwards when it’s too late. But I didn’t deliver the line --- because I didn’t think of it until afterwards --- and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Last winter at a Florida yard sale I bought my wife Marsha a book of Andy’s paintings of Helga. $4. A few days ago Marsha left the book with Helga so she and Andy could sign it and they were dropping it off.
When Helga handed me the book, what an opportunity to have said, “Oh, excuse me Helga. I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
Yes, too bad. Andy would have appreciated it.
My friends are asking why I don't have the pictures from my last stage show up on my web page so they can see themselves.
Perhaps you are one of them.
I’m 70 years old. When I was 15 I thought I’d have everything done by the time I was an ancient 27, but I’m 70 and the number of things I still have to do seem to be increasing geometrically. Why should this be happening to me?
I just made 4 radio programs. Tomorrow I am reading to some children in Bath, I’m speaking to a national association of doctors Friday, and Saturday I go to Europe. I don’t get to come home from Europe but go directly from the plane to Philadelphia for another 3-day conference.
Oh, before I go I have to fill out an accident report because some tailgating woman rammed me in the rear end while I was stopped at a stop light and I have to get a Notary license so I can marry some young radio friends in October.
When I get home from Philadelphia I will face an undefeatable pile of email and papers on my desk.
By then my teeth will be green because I understand that we are no longer allowed to travel with toothpaste.
Please also take into consideration that while I’m doing all these things --- even at the age of 70 I'm still expected to make my wife happy.
This morning after mowing the field for two hours so the cow friends will have something fresh and green to eat next month, I noticed that the bees are dying so I’m working on that while going through piles of paper and unopened mail to see if there are any lost bills I have to pay before going away.
I seldom have time to eat dinner so I end up eating dinner at 5 or 6 in the evening when any honest Maine man should be sitting down to supper.
Because I’ve been on Public Radio for 28 years, radio friends are often good enough to stop by to visit. We have a Bed & Breakfast so people stop in to ask about that, too. I never know who is driving in the yard, but because they might want to buy one of my CDs or rent our back room, I’m always nice.
A car stopped in this morning. I heard the driveway bell ding when they drove in over the rubber hose.
Grabbed a waffle and went out to see who it was. Finally, a chance to eat breakfast.
Big white suburban thing. I had no idea of who it was.
Right then, had I known what I knew five minutes later, I would have been able to deliver one of the great lines of a lifetime. You know how you always think of these great lines afterwards when it’s too late. But I didn’t deliver the line --- because I didn’t think of it until afterwards --- and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Last winter at a Florida yard sale I bought my wife Marsha a book of Andy’s paintings of Helga. $4. A few days ago Marsha left the book with Helga so she and Andy could sign it and they were dropping it off.
When Helga handed me the book, what an opportunity to have said, “Oh, excuse me Helga. I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”
Yes, too bad. Andy would have appreciated it.
posted by The humble Farmer at 11:29 AM
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