Rants for Week of January 14-20, 2006
January 19, 2007 Rants
2. When my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, was at a family reunion in Delaware, I went to town to forage for food. This was because I didn’t know that she had frozen ten day’s worth of dinners and suppers in the deep freeze.
I discovered an interesting new thing. Written on the shelves beneath the wheat flakes, is how much you are paying per pound. You really can’t believe that stores are doing this just to help you save money. The government probably made them do it to protect the consumer. Anyway, the customer can now compare prices and hopefully make intelligent choices.
But --- have stores found a way out around this? Can they abide by government regulations and still confuse the customer? Yes. I saw two bottles side by side. One was $16.48 per gallon. The other one was $2.08 per pound.
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3. If you drive across many states in our great country as I often do, you will see, in some states, giant billboards advertising stores where they sell adult toys. You also see giant billboards advertising places where you can buy adult movies. If you have nothing to do when you are driving your car or riding as a passenger you will also see giant billboards advertising adult entertainment. Can you believe that there is such a large market for adult toys, adult movies and adult entertainment? I didn’t realize the extent to which this kind of thinking had permeated our society until I saw a sign inviting me to move into an adult community.
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4. In a newsletter for speakers, a man suggests that we save our feet by taking off our shoes and rolling our feet on a tennis ball. I don’t have tired feet and suggest that a few men and all women wouldn’t have tired feet if they would wear shoes that fit. Wouldn’t we all admire a woman who was so confident of her prowess on the platform that she would show up in a pair of sneakers? Women’s shoes are designed by people who hate women.
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5. Good news for coffee lovers. The National Coffee Association claims that new research Concludes Coffee Protects Against Cognitive Decline. In two independent studies, scientists have concluded that caffeine in coffee delivers a fourfold reduction in cognitive decline in men and blocks formation in mice of the brain "plaque" associated with Alzheimer's disease in humans, according to The National Coffee Association. In a study led by B.M. van Gelder at the National Institute for Public Health and the Environment in The Netherlands, men who consumed coffee exhibited cognitive decline as much as 4.3 times lower than that of non-consumers. A study led by G. W. Arrendash and W. Schlief at the University of South Florida concluded that the human equivalent of five cups of coffee per day in mice improved problem-solving tasks and reduced brain levels of beta-amyloid, the plaque associated with Alzheimer's Disease.
So, what am I to do? When I read that red wine was good for my prostate and would keep me from having a heart attack, I swilled four ounces of red wine every day. Wine tastes so bad you will remember that I used to chug it and then chase it with a glass of water. Then I discovered that I got wicked huge hives all over my body, which might mean that I am allergic to alcohol so I had to shut myself off from any of the possible healing properties that might be found in red wine.
And now we have this study touted by the National Coffee Association. I only drink coffee before I stand on a stage to give a talk. And I do that because my wife Marsha saw me fall asleep one time while standing on a stage speaking to 300 people. And ever since then she’s said, “Before you speak, you do drugs.” One cup of coffee jacks me up higher than a kite --- it makes me feel wonderful --- but the next day, 24 hours later, I get an incredible low, or a coffee hangover, which is not worth the price of being high the day before.
So what are we going to do? To every wonderful mind altering substance that makes you feel good or delivers healing properties, there seems to be a wicked price to pay the next day. If there is an answer, you know what it is. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and I’d like to hear from you.
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6. I saw just a couple of minutes of Bob Hope and Lana Turner in an old movie. Bob Hope was delivering a speech to a crowd of women and I got the impression he was telling women how to do exciting things so they’d be more attractive to their husbands. I heard the part where he suggested a chilled bottle of wine along with a fancy meal and he got at least half of that right. I can do without the wine, but I love fancy meals. Any women who could open a can of B&B baked beans and put that on my plate every night along with two steamed hot dogs, would have any Maine man’s love and respect till death did them part. Can you think of anything that would excite you more? Spaghetti?
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7. You have heard me say that I go to exercise class three times a week. Of course, it does you no good to go to exercise class because the more exercise you get, the more exercise you need. Exercise is not cumulative. You can’t save it up and use it later. But even though I lift the weights and jump and wave my arms, I have too much gut.
But --- I have set a goal for myself --- and just as long as I can do these exercises with no belt or suspenders without embarrassment, I probably need to continue.
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8. Do you still have panic nightmares? Last night I dreamed that it was 40 years ago, I was back in grad school, I had not attended my classes for months and I couldn’t even remember what they were or even where they were. I had my 49 Chevy jacked up on a little hydraulic jack and I was greasing the front end, which was worn out and falling off the car. The jack was slowly letting the car down. So I didn’t have any way to get back to school even if I knew where it was. I was supposed to add something to the oil or perhaps it was a drink of milk and I couldn’t remember how to do that. One of my friends gave me a bill for my hamburger that cost $999. as I watched large floating models of Monhegan and Manana being towed by in Port Clyde harbor.
Luckily, there is someone in our home who can interpret dreams, and I asked my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, why I should be having such a stress infested nightmare.
She said, “Your birthday is tomorrow.”
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9. We went to a meeting of the Swedish club yesterday. There were thirty or forty people there who claimed at least some percentage of Swedishness. On one side of the room was a table loaded down with Swedish cookies and cakes and coffee, which did not interest me. You have heard me say that I haven’t had a cookie or piece of cake for over two years now. As a result, and on the positive side, I am now able to bend over and tie my shoes.
Up in the front of the room was a huge pile of donated merchandise. There were a few people there who could actually speak Swedish or Norwegian and it would have been fun to babble the tongue with them. But yesterday was auction day to raise money for the club so for the entire two hours we sat through an auction.
The president of the club appointed herself auctioneer. I endured the operation with no small amount of professional interest because years ago I spent two weeks at Missouri Auctioneering School and for a while I was even licensed to conduct auctions in Maine. I’m not going to say anything else about that auction, other than it was like going to a blacksmith to have a tooth pulled.
Have you ever noticed that in too many clubs or organizations the person who is the least qualified to be the leader is the only one who wants to take the office --- and then serves as president by default? I’m going to stop right there before someone accuses me of talking politics.
2. When my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, was at a family reunion in Delaware, I went to town to forage for food. This was because I didn’t know that she had frozen ten day’s worth of dinners and suppers in the deep freeze.
I discovered an interesting new thing. Written on the shelves beneath the wheat flakes, is how much you are paying per pound. You really can’t believe that stores are doing this just to help you save money. The government probably made them do it to protect the consumer. Anyway, the customer can now compare prices and hopefully make intelligent choices.
But --- have stores found a way out around this? Can they abide by government regulations and still confuse the customer? Yes. I saw two bottles side by side. One was $16.48 per gallon. The other one was $2.08 per pound.
+
3. If you drive across many states in our great country as I often do, you will see, in some states, giant billboards advertising stores where they sell adult toys. You also see giant billboards advertising places where you can buy adult movies. If you have nothing to do when you are driving your car or riding as a passenger you will also see giant billboards advertising adult entertainment. Can you believe that there is such a large market for adult toys, adult movies and adult entertainment? I didn’t realize the extent to which this kind of thinking had permeated our society until I saw a sign inviting me to move into an adult community.
+
4. In a newsletter for speakers, a man suggests that we save our feet by taking off our shoes and rolling our feet on a tennis ball. I don’t have tired feet and suggest that a few men and all women wouldn’t have tired feet if they would wear shoes that fit. Wouldn’t we all admire a woman who was so confident of her prowess on the platform that she would show up in a pair of sneakers? Women’s shoes are designed by people who hate women.
+
5. Good news for coffee lovers. The National Coffee Association claims that new research Concludes Coffee Protects Against Cognitive Decline. In two independent studies, scientists have concluded that caffeine in coffee delivers a fourfold reduction in cognitive decline in men and blocks formation in mice of the brain "plaque" associated with Alzheimer's disease in humans, according to The National Coffee Association. In a study led by B.M. van Gelder at the National Institute for Public Health and the Environment in The Netherlands, men who consumed coffee exhibited cognitive decline as much as 4.3 times lower than that of non-consumers. A study led by G. W. Arrendash and W. Schlief at the University of South Florida concluded that the human equivalent of five cups of coffee per day in mice improved problem-solving tasks and reduced brain levels of beta-amyloid, the plaque associated with Alzheimer's Disease.
So, what am I to do? When I read that red wine was good for my prostate and would keep me from having a heart attack, I swilled four ounces of red wine every day. Wine tastes so bad you will remember that I used to chug it and then chase it with a glass of water. Then I discovered that I got wicked huge hives all over my body, which might mean that I am allergic to alcohol so I had to shut myself off from any of the possible healing properties that might be found in red wine.
And now we have this study touted by the National Coffee Association. I only drink coffee before I stand on a stage to give a talk. And I do that because my wife Marsha saw me fall asleep one time while standing on a stage speaking to 300 people. And ever since then she’s said, “Before you speak, you do drugs.” One cup of coffee jacks me up higher than a kite --- it makes me feel wonderful --- but the next day, 24 hours later, I get an incredible low, or a coffee hangover, which is not worth the price of being high the day before.
So what are we going to do? To every wonderful mind altering substance that makes you feel good or delivers healing properties, there seems to be a wicked price to pay the next day. If there is an answer, you know what it is. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and I’d like to hear from you.
+
6. I saw just a couple of minutes of Bob Hope and Lana Turner in an old movie. Bob Hope was delivering a speech to a crowd of women and I got the impression he was telling women how to do exciting things so they’d be more attractive to their husbands. I heard the part where he suggested a chilled bottle of wine along with a fancy meal and he got at least half of that right. I can do without the wine, but I love fancy meals. Any women who could open a can of B&B baked beans and put that on my plate every night along with two steamed hot dogs, would have any Maine man’s love and respect till death did them part. Can you think of anything that would excite you more? Spaghetti?
+
7. You have heard me say that I go to exercise class three times a week. Of course, it does you no good to go to exercise class because the more exercise you get, the more exercise you need. Exercise is not cumulative. You can’t save it up and use it later. But even though I lift the weights and jump and wave my arms, I have too much gut.
But --- I have set a goal for myself --- and just as long as I can do these exercises with no belt or suspenders without embarrassment, I probably need to continue.
+
8. Do you still have panic nightmares? Last night I dreamed that it was 40 years ago, I was back in grad school, I had not attended my classes for months and I couldn’t even remember what they were or even where they were. I had my 49 Chevy jacked up on a little hydraulic jack and I was greasing the front end, which was worn out and falling off the car. The jack was slowly letting the car down. So I didn’t have any way to get back to school even if I knew where it was. I was supposed to add something to the oil or perhaps it was a drink of milk and I couldn’t remember how to do that. One of my friends gave me a bill for my hamburger that cost $999. as I watched large floating models of Monhegan and Manana being towed by in Port Clyde harbor.
Luckily, there is someone in our home who can interpret dreams, and I asked my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, why I should be having such a stress infested nightmare.
She said, “Your birthday is tomorrow.”
+
9. We went to a meeting of the Swedish club yesterday. There were thirty or forty people there who claimed at least some percentage of Swedishness. On one side of the room was a table loaded down with Swedish cookies and cakes and coffee, which did not interest me. You have heard me say that I haven’t had a cookie or piece of cake for over two years now. As a result, and on the positive side, I am now able to bend over and tie my shoes.
Up in the front of the room was a huge pile of donated merchandise. There were a few people there who could actually speak Swedish or Norwegian and it would have been fun to babble the tongue with them. But yesterday was auction day to raise money for the club so for the entire two hours we sat through an auction.
The president of the club appointed herself auctioneer. I endured the operation with no small amount of professional interest because years ago I spent two weeks at Missouri Auctioneering School and for a while I was even licensed to conduct auctions in Maine. I’m not going to say anything else about that auction, other than it was like going to a blacksmith to have a tooth pulled.
Have you ever noticed that in too many clubs or organizations the person who is the least qualified to be the leader is the only one who wants to take the office --- and then serves as president by default? I’m going to stop right there before someone accuses me of talking politics.
posted by The humble Farmer at 6:20 AM
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